I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
