how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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