My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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