I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
