I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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