Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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