In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
