Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
