You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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