nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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