Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
