Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize