i don't like sucking hair
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Randomize
