my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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