O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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