can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
