it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
