apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
