i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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