I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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