I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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