I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
