Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
