I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
