Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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