The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
