I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
