Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
