So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
