Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
