So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
