Just fell off a train. Bad.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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