It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
