isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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