dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
