that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
