oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just google imaged poop.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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