Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
