I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
