I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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