My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
