i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
