I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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