I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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