you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
