Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
