I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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