I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
