I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Randomize
