Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
