seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
