I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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