there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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