Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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