I could make wine with my vomit
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
