wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
