At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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