My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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