no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize