I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
